Self-Induced

Detective Goren knows what he sees.  "He's stopped paying his bills, taking care of his life.  He's despressed."

Really?

I remember the first time I was prescribed anti-depressants.  It was in the late 1970s where a puzzled young pyschologist was trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I wasn't able to talk about trans yet, didn't have words or courage, so I was baffling.

"Well, it sort of looks like depression, but not really.  But maybe if we try this drug, it might help."

It didn't.  Anti-depressants weren't as much fun back then, weren't like jellybeans.  I know one woman who got prescribed recently, and when her doctor explained that the drugs were like a beautiful collection of shoes in a Fifth Avenue shop, all looking nice, but she would have to try them on to pick the perfect pair for her, that sounded lovely.

Of course, my depression is and always was self-induced.  The problem wasn't trying to block the depression, it was trying to unblock the depressives that I gave myself. 

Creativity turned to the past is destruction, as my sister remembers Wm. Sloane Cofffin saying on Fresh Air.  Instead of making new it just explodes the old, and that cripples us.  I learned early to cripple my own creativity, because it just made people crazy.  I turned it inward and backward and every other way to try to defeat something so weird it called me to wear a pretty dress & tights.

Self sabotage becomes a habit, and though my scars are inside, I have been no less self-hurting than any cutter.  My bones have such deep rents that they might break at any moment, and that means I couldn't even take care of my aging parents well.

I do remember the first time I was prescribed anti-depressants. 

I just think that it's too bad we haven't figured out how to prescribe pro-blissants.

It's true that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely
but it's also true that powerlessness corrupts,
and people who feel absolutely powerless get bitter and corrupted.
Wm. Sloane Coffin

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