I Don’t Care Anymore.

I don't care anymore. 

I mean, I might like to care, but everytime I do I remember that it's not really worth the effort.  Over 90% of what I am going to get is the ripples from other people's fear and expectations, their acting out of their own little dramas.   The other 10%, well, I can't get much out of that after choking down the other 90%.

People are sure that they know the best thing for me.  Alexis Arquette, when she thought there would be a therapist joining The Surreal Life 6 house said "I would rather see a Nazi every morning than a therapist.  I hate therapists."

"Too Much To Expect, Not Too Much To Ask." I remember hearing Mary Chapin Carpenter and Joe Diffie sing while riding home from Southern Comfort 1994 with JJ — and that's a long story right there.   Maybe it was because I was being lectured about being swishy in the Chattenooga outlet mall, or maybe it was just because I felt so alone, but that song touched me.

People keep telling me that I need to be clear about what I need, ask specifically, go out and get it.  But they also keep telling me that they don't understand and can never understand. 

So, I don't care anymore.  

You want to play out your dramas?  Fine.   I don't care anymore. 

You want to aggrandize your fears?  Fine.  I don't care anymore. 

You want to put yourself up by putting others down?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to defend your own comfort by building walls?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to rush faster and faster so you don't have to engage your feelings or the feelings of anyone else?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to force others to clean up your messes, and then blame them when shit bubbles to the top?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to find reasons to push responsibility for your choices onto others?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to find ways to weasel what you want out of others rather than being reasonable and straightforward?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to claim the right to declare others who raise points that challenge you false and without standing?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to violate the golden rule, treating others in ways you would find hateful?  Fine. I don't care anymore.

You want to call me sick, passive-agressive or more?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

You want to dish out your fears like they are chocolate sauce?  Fine.  I don't care anymore.

God grant me
the strength to change what I can
the serenity to accept what I cannot change
the wisdom to know the difference

and what I need to be clear that I cannot change
is you.