Apologies

To everyone who has accidentally ended up here, though the kind links of Gwen or Gwyneth, or even just the “next” function in WordPress, I apologize.

I know that most people write blogs to address an audience, to publish something for others.

This blog, well, not so much. In the words of Greer Lankton, “It’s All About Me Not You.” I spent a decade trying to find the balanced, delicate language to connect with people about who I am and the challenges I face, but now, this isn’t it. I don’t cut things into small bite here, don’t try to make sure that I pace myself and stay close to expectations. The politics aren’t sweet and the ideas aren’t always digestible.

All that mainstreaming, well, didn’t help me so much. Maybe it was just because I didn’t do it well enough, deep enough, nicely enough. After all, I’m not an extrovert, except on stage. And somehow, you need to be an extrovert before you get on stage to find an audience.

Nope. This isn’t about you, it’s about me, and I feel sorry for people who have to read it, expecially people who are unsuspecting about the content. Now, I know that leaving here is as easy as punching the button for another bookmark, that no one really is hurt by an internet page, but I still feel bad.

That’s a challenge for me in life, too. I try not to be “in-your-face,” especially with people I love, but the fact that what is just normal, sweet and pretty to me seems “in-your-face” to others, challenging, intense & queer, well, that makes negotiating the line tough. I pull back and hide, and to many, like the next-door neighbours, they well may think that means I think I have something to hide.

Is it my job to be concerned with the sensibilities and comfort of others? Miss Manners would tell me yes, it is, and I love Miss Manners. One person who knew me was shocked by that revelation years ago, not imagining how ettiquette & grace could be something even on my radar screen. And when some woman pushes by me in the store as I wait for a woman to pass in front of me, well, I know that there are many in this society for whom grace isn’t at all visible when they have their own agenda to push.

I am a raging queer who cares deeply about respecting others, and who doesn’t want others to feel uncomfortable. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So to all of you who happen upon this spot on the web and it makes you feel, well makes you feel anything bad or uncomfortable, I deeply apologize. At no time was it my intent to trick you or decieve you or challenge your choices and your life, which are your choices and your life, and you have ultimate responsibility and control over them. You get to set your own boundaries, and if just happening on this page has overstepped your boundaries, then I apologize.

I do know that it is only your body and your property that can be protected by society, not your comfort, and that I have the right to self-expression as much as anyone else. I know that I get to speak my piece, to make my choices as much as you.

But I feel bad if you were hurt or insulted or challenged by anything I do here, and I deeply apologize. Sorry.

And if you can read it, you just heard one of the biggest reasons it’s hard to be me.