Scary Hot

I was down at a meeting where I asked some questions.  After the session, she wanted to chat with me. 

“You are so eloquent!” she said.  “You really speak well.”

We chatted for a while.  I found out she is a woman born female from Oklahoma, who landed in this area and moved into an old church.  She sells cosmetics and wants to help.

“Great,” I said.  “Lets have lunch.”

“When?” she asked.   We agreed on Tuesday at noon, and she wrote it in her diary.   I left her with a card that had my email address and the location of this blog.   I sent her an e-mail to confirm.

Tuesday, I drove to her place.  I knocked and I called the cell phone number she gave me.  No answer.

Well, at noon there was the Laurel Masse concert I wrote about here.  I went to that instead.

I came back after the concert, more knocking, another phone call.  No answer.

Later that week as I was driving near her, I called in case she was in and available, as she had said that she encouraged drop-ins.  No answer, no call backs.

About a week later, I went to another meeting and she was there, dressed in a skirtsuit with a man’s tie.  She was very apologetic.

“This year they changed the start date on my diary from Sunday to Monday and I wrote it on the wrong day! 

“I would have called, but I deleted all your messages because I forget if the delete key is three or seven. 

“I never got the e-mail you sent, there must be something wrong with my e-mail. 

“I lost the card with your contact info on it. 

“I’m so sorry, so sorry — you deserve a big gift certificate for this.”

I smiled, didn’t complain.  If this was meant to happen, it would happen.  If not, well, so be it.

I spoke with the circle that night.  She continued to be moved by me.  “You should be on the radio!”  and “Wow, how do you know that?” when I made some measurements of where she was.

I gave her my phone number as I left.  “You won’t call,” I said.

“Oh yes, oh yes, I will!” she said she tucked the slip into the garter of her hold-up black thigh-high stocking.

It’s been a week and she hasn’t called.

She really does find me compelling, I believe that. 

But she also finds me scary.  I believe that too.  She’s smart as a whip and in her early thirties.  Right now, she has the looks and the energy to take control of any situation, to show the face she wants to the world.

But behind that face, she knows that she isn’t all that normal.  “I was at a table of sales reps, and these six women had all found their partner online.  I went to the site and filled out the compatibility profile, and it said that they didn’t have anyone who matched with me.  No one in the whole country!”

Yeah.   There is a reason you are drawn to gender events and it’s not just because you want to help the poor men.

And I’m compelling, fascinating & attractive because I am so illuminating.

It’s just that, well, you aren’t really sure you want to be seen that clearly.

eHarmony.com has commercials selling the idea that once you find your soul mate it will be great because they will see and value you for who you really are.  It’s such a compelling idea that we all want to be seen clearly and loved for the contents of our heart, not just our our actions, what we can do for others.

But once you get this far post-therapy, people often assume you can see into the dark corners of theuir heart, the ones where they themselves fear to go.  I know that someone sharp and manipulative usually has some kind of pain behind there.  Often it is the pain of the shaman, getting swept into the emotional worlds of others and feeling it very, very strongly.

She sees me, I see her, and while she wants to reach out to me, something stops her.

That’s OK.  It has to be.  If we could have one thing that would make us all happy it would be if people healed when we wanted them to, rather than on their own schedule, and that includes if we could heal on our own schedule.  But instead, we walk with pain and fear, not being able to do the perfect thing for ourselves and others, just being able to do what we can do.

People heal on their own time, and they aren’t ready until they are ready.  And even if you manipulate them into doing what you want, the healing still has to come.

It’s nice to be hot in this gal’s eyes.  It shits to be scary in this gal’s eyes.

What makes you exceptional must also inevitably also make you lonely, as Lorraine Hansbury said.

(yeah, Jeffery Roberson, Varla Jean Merman’s “other half,” called me “scary bright.”)