I went to the United Methodist for the first time since October and surprise, surprise, the lesson was on Jonah & The Whale just as it was the last time, the story of a man who rejects his calling and then gets eaten by a whale. This time the theme was that being a disciple of Jesus Christ being the most dangerous job on earth, though the fact that the greatest danger came from others who call themselves disciples of Jesus Christ was never mentioned.
Somehow, when I see people struggle with a calling that just means they have to write something that others might not like, I get kind of wierded out. There are some of us for whom God asks to be transcendly transgressive in the the cause of transformation. We get to stand up and be the tranny, fer Chrissake! (or whoever’s sake you wish.)
I learned to doubt my own heart, to deny myself, to try to be who others expected me to be because no one could tell me that I had to trust the way God made me. They wanted me to believe that I was made wrong, that the call to trans was the call of the demon, indulgent and perverted, sick and anti-social. I was cast beyond the pale and denial — death — was the only option offered.
How do you trust your heart, the still, small god-voice inside of you if it calls you to cross a line society wants to claim as fundamental as the line between men and women? How do you trust your heart if you get smacked with the threat of being cast out as a freak, not getting the connection you need if you do it?
I needed to come to the point where I understood that line was not fundamental, rather it is conventional. I needed to understand that we are all freaks, unique and exceptional in the special way God made us.
Calling is a bitch, yes. And facing it is at the heart of living a spiritual life, living with the courage to challenge convention & the status quo when we know that the godly & righteous path is different than the easy one.
And yes, the only thing we as trannys can do to stay centered as we express our queerness is to believe that we are following our creation, that we are following the faith even if that challenges those who claim to be faithful.
Jonah is my brother.