We are always trapped between the should and the must, the wild and the tame, the spirit and the flesh. That’s where humans live their lives, needing to be one of the group, eating and sleeping and taking care of the kids, and needing to feel connected to something beyond ourselves, to something eternal and ethereal.
For those of us whose calling isn’t included in the standard inventory, the shamans who walk between the worlds of men and women, worlds people often think of separate, that place between is almost impossible. We are only seen as true or real when claim purity, and for us, the only truth and reality is ambiguity, a kind of liminality that holds not only the circle of life but also the tenderness of our hearts.
We must have what we must have, money and comfort and company, the essentials that flesh requires, and what we should have, what we need to stay whole and righteous, well, that usually gets squeezed into the little spaces. Ane when we are reminded that the balance is off, what can we do but do what we can, what we must, rather than what we desire, what is blissful, what is connecting?
I know this division. It tears me apart in every moment, as I get farther and farther away from both, nether getting a comfortable life nor walking in the whispers of my creator. The division tears at me and by now, walking away from the world and spirit only being shown in text, well, I am torn to shreds, with pain levels that cripple me in both strength and in supplication, unable to rise above or to compromise below, cracked and shattered.
I have been clear about this for ages. The therapist I saw for one session a year ago was lifted by my words — “I could listen to you forever” — but glimspsed what I was telling her — “your eyes are so full of pain.” But another beating happened and I slipped up and that had to be cut off, and it just keeps getting worse.
I just spent five weeks trying to find someplace where I felt safe, understood, valued, attractive, honored, someplace where healing could occur, but at this level, at this person, that place seems far off. I am intense and terrifying, attractive only in the ways I transcend pain with my mind, offering insight & understanding that is comforting & stimulating to others.
In other words, I’m not balanced and resilant enough to not challenge you, not to leak into your “monster empathy,” that the gift the bane & the glory of all shaman-type creatures. We feel though other’s eyes, and while this lets us enable healing, though giving voice to the pain, through embracing the pain, though absorbing the pain, though finding solace for the pain, or though whatever mode our healing power takes, it also costs us. Who does heal the healers, who keeps us whole and healthy and able to do what we must?
I hope your life is joyous and full.