notes for a session

What You Need To Know About My Transgender 

1) My transgender is about my work, my calling.
2) The challenge for me is becoming product.
3) The hardest thing about trans is doing it alone.
4) The most difficult thing about trans is negotiating others fears.
5) The most painful thing about trans is not being able to give your gifts and have them accepted.
6) I know that I will never be female, or ever have a girlhood.
7) I am not two people.
8) I am not typical of current transgender thought.
9) The challenge is to both be defended and open.

(09/2002)

======================================================================

“Too Hip For The Room”

How do transwomen take power?

Fallen off the grid.
 Self-Circumscribed. 
 Outside community.
 Vacuum.

God/Calling/Faith
 Living In The Question: Liminal

Extraordinarily High Pain Levels
 The Denial Cycle
 Being Dead: Katie
 Slam My Head

Killers: The Skunk Eye & The Mud.
 Low levels of latent inhibition.
 Concealment vs Revelation

Every choice considered: Performance.
 Human doing, not being.
 “I know they will like me if I give them what they want.”

Renounce desire.
 Hoarding

The Sexy Bits: Desire Shift
 Lost girlhood

“Affirmed & Valued, Understood & Desired”
 It’s my fault. 
 I’m stupid, because I don’t know how to satisfy others.

Finding a voice, being exposed

The challenge of being Post Therapy
 deep vision
 recieved wisdom

The lack of play.

Who heals the healers? 
Who makes safe space for Shiva’s Daughters?
 Sister:
 Unitarian Minister:

They told me my calling was to denial.

Now, even people who claim to affirm calling
tell me I am “too.”
 too intense
 too analytical
 too overwhelming
 too challenging
 too queer
 too damn much

How do I move beyond being
 disgusting,
 terrifying,
 pitiable,
 a joke, or
 a curiosity
and become
 aspirational
while
 honoring my own pain
 not just trying to swallow it?
(cause if I don’t honor it, it will kill me.)
For whom are you willing to be queen
 be projected upon as. . . . .

Purging Ambiguity, Enacting Purity

Shit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.