Ignore The Pain; Pay Me Later


to rachel:

the remembering people remember why forgetting is important, but
the forgetting people don’t remember why remembering is important.

when they hear a story from queers
straights always assume that
they understand what it means.

“i shivered with only a blanket
in sub freezing temperatures
for over a week”


“yeah, i understand
i went to miami for a week in january
and it never got over 62!!
i was freezing!”


to hoddy

the spiritual benefits of discomfort.
clothes, seats, rods, kneeling
puritans to buddhists
awareness to the world
openness to others
and in the end
discomfort is what allows us to grow
discomfort is what allows a congregation to grow

(one reason bigger congregations have an easier time
like bigger people
more space to spread the discomfort over.)


BS == Belief Structures

as in
“for many transsexuals it isn’t enough to embrace their choices, you have to embrace their bs too.”
“this is a mechanical culture that says feelings don’t matter, so people feel unable to understand and express their feelings.  instead, they end up imposing their own bs, the rationalizations wrapped around their feelings.”

its usually the bs
we use to wrap our feelings
without examination or awareness
that gets in the way.


1) From others: “Callan, I have no idea how you renounce your life this way.  I couldn’t do it.  It must have taken years of training.

2)  From God: “Yup, you have it right.  You are hosed.  But (she said, laughing) the real kicker is simple: When you let it out you wil be enourmously good at it and it will reward you in good ways.”


Tangled In The Invisible Fence: Beyond Separations.

just because things are invisible, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

ask any dog who has had to learn to live with an invisible fence.  combine that antenna in the ground with a shocking collar, and you learn how to give the edges a wide berth.

the dog has to deal with an invisble fence that is fixed in place, secure and constant, and he learns to back off.

but when that fence is invisible because it is always shifting, popping up whenever someone’s fears are triggered, well, that’s another thing altogether.

bailey talks to an expert who says that trans kids need three things: removal of anything the parents or teachers judge as socially inappropriate (take away the desired), clear feedback that their desires will never, ever come true (take away the dreams), and an understanding that if they make the wrong choices, people can marginalize, shame and humilate them with legitimacy (take away the dignity.)  once those three things are gone, the kid has a chance of appearing to be normative.

but just because things are invisible doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.


the breakthough in trans
comes when you stop thinking about
man plus or woman plus
woman minus or man minus
but you just think about
who is this unique person in front of me?


when the rope swing
between childhood and adulthood
is severed too soon
when we are adultified early
losing the affirmations and struggles of adolescence
to some constructed performance
we almost always go though life
as two entities
an adult with slick experience
a child with a broken heart.

when is the rope severed?
when a child has a secret
that they know they cannot say
to anyone.

rachel knows what to do.

it’s to listen and honour
what the person in pain says

and then,
after they feel heard,
to say

so what can you do?

but she doesn’t have time or energy to do that
and who can blame her?

one of the hardest things to do
is to honestly open yourself to someone else
so people stop

even parents
who think it’s all about them
and not about


when you are taught to
suspect your
desires, dreams and dignity
as being un-natural, tainted, perverted, corrupt, demonic, etc.
and then
when you are the one
who offers affirmation and support
for expressing those
desires, dreams and dignity
somehow, that affirmation must be suspected
as being un-natural, tainted, perverted, corrupt, demonic, etc.

this is the reason so many just say
their desires, dreams and dignity
come from god
but we know that it’s the ones who do that
most fervently
whose desires, dreams and dignity
comes from a satan
of separation and not connection.


making my pain visible
in the world
seems both appealing & pointless
just another pain
and everyone has pain
but it’s my pain
and everyday it stops me
as i swallow it.

I got a spam mail in my in-box a few days ago.

The subject was “Ignore the pain, pay me later.”

I think that we all understand this.  Pain is gift, one that tells us when something is wrong, when it needs attention.

But many of us learn just to swallow the pain rather than try to fix what needs fixing.  We swallow, because people tell us that the only solution to the pain is learning to swallow it and be normative.

Callan learned early how to swallow pain.  She tried to express it, but people didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t engage it.

my pain is blinding to me
but to others
it’s just
too much
too long.

and any performance
which would transcend pain
cannot come out of swallowing pain
only out of pouring it out
as balm.